Don’t Visit: South Dakota

michael putthoff block

           My wife is always nagging me that we don’t do enough, that all we do is sit around the house getting fat and old.  I asked her what she wanted to do, she looked at me said she wanted to go on a trip.  Fine, I can do a trip.  I looked back at her, “Okay, where do you want to go?”


“I don’t know.”



Of course she knew, women always know what they want, but they can’t let men know that.  It’s why men exist, to pitch the terrible ideas, then women shoot them down, making their choice the superior one even if it’s not.

           After a week or so, she decided she we should visit South Dakota.  I’ve never been there, because I’m thinking what’s the point?  I’m pretty sure it looks like the majority of Nebraska, our current state of residence:  full of nothingness and people who want to move to a better place.  I agreed because I couldn’t be bothered to argue about where we should go for vacation.



           We packed up the car and headed out of town. I think everyone had the same idea, as traffic was backed up for miles.  I was tempted to end the trip there and go back home, as there was no way South Dakota was worth this.  As we sat in traffic, my wife was telling me all the things she did when she went with her family in South Dakota as a kid.

I was confused and asked her why we were going to South Dakota if she had already been there, but she ignored me in that “Listen to your wife” way.   Isn’t the whole point of travelling to see new places?  If I went to another state, I wouldn’t bother going back because I’ve probably already seen everything I wanted to.  The first time you go somewhere, you visit everything that’s cool and you want to see.

           She told me to shut up and keep driving.  We took I-29 to Sioux Falls, which was a dreadful drive.  I thought the drive from Kansas City to Omaha was bad, this was so much worse.  It was literally miles and miles of absolutely nothing to see but corn and depression.  It also doesn’t help that the radio only seems to play shit these days.  I don’t know who Nicki Minaj is, all I know is that I want her to stop doing whatever she thinks she’s doing.


           We made it to Sioux Falls, South Dakota after dark.  I was already tired of driving, and we still had 5 more hours to go to get to our final destination: Rapid City.  We were hungry, so we went to Applebee’s for those half-price appetizers.  Their appetizers are really the only thing worth ordering.  Everything else tastes like it came from the frozen section of a gas station.     

           Our waitress wasn’t very friendly.  I get it, it’s late, you don’t want to be here, but Jesus, put a little life in your step.  You don’t see doctors moaning when they have to jam their fingers up a man’s ass to check his prostate, all you’re doing is bringing me wings.

           The morning came too quickly as I had an amazing dream that I was chasing a herd of donuts.  We had barely gotten any sleep that night because there was a man next door who sounded like he was passing a kidney stone.  That, or he saw his fat wife get naked.  My wife punched me and said that wasn’t a nice thing to say.  I told her that wasn’t a nice thing for her to do to him.

           We needed to get gas, so we found a BP near our hotel.  It was an old-looking gas station; in the front there were six pumps, and four of them looked like they had been out of service for a while.  It took us almost ten minutes to get gas due to the pumps right out of the Flintstones.  After that ordeal we were finally on our way to Rapid City.  My wife’s mom called.  I had forgetten how long they can talk to each other.  When my family calls, we talk for about 20 minutes, then we don’t talk again until the next month.   


           It was well into the afternoon by the time we got to Rapid City.  They really make up their downtown, but then again, they really have to.  No sane person wants to willingly visit South Dakota.  I don’t think we would lose anything if we sold the Dakotas to Canada.  What does Canada really have going for it anyway?  Canadian bacon and apologies?  C’mon Canada, step it up.

           Rapid City has one of those typical touristy-looking old downtowns.  All of the buildings were new, but they were made to look like they’ve been there since the town was founded.  The street was lined with sweet shops, souvenir stores, and law offices.  I never understood why there are so many law offices located in tourist downtowns.  I imagine the sweet shops and souvenir stores are always having a bout with each other over customers.



There was a small cafe at the end of the street, so we popped in for bite to eat. The place was decent, and the food was leaps and bounds better than Applebee’s.  I’m pretty sure the people who owned it bought all the tables and chairs from garage sales as none of them seemed to match.  There was a group of guys a couple tables over.  They all had to be in their 30’s or 40’s, and they were talking about My Little Pony.  I’ve heard about these people on the radio, they’re called ‘Bronies’ or something like that.  I bet when they walk into the toy store, everyone else clears out.  My wife told me to stop staring and finish my lunch.

           I’m glad we ended up eating there.  Food everywhere else was ridiculously overpriced, almost double what we paid at the cafe.  I don’t much care for tourist towns like this.  Everything is overpriced, and everything says ‘Rapid City’ or ‘Mt. Rushmore’ on it.  If I needed a new pair of boxers, chances are I would end up with Washington’s face across my crotch.  I guess when that’s only thing your state can capitalize on, you run with it.  We popped into a shop and bought a magnet, because my wife loves collecting magnets for the fridge.  Half of one of the doors is covered with them.  We got our magnet and headed out to see the big heads in the rock.

           We drove up to the monument.  It was $11 for parking.  Are you serious?  My wife told me to pay the fee, as there was no parking around for miles, and she didn’t want to walk all that way.  The monument was alright, the heads of our former Presidents looking out over a pretty useless state.  I don’t know why they just stopped at the heads, at least go down to the shoulders and make it count.  I wish there was more to say, but it’s literally just heads in a rock.  There were fat people in Hawaiian shirts taking pictures. This guy was way far back trying to get them all in the picture.  If your fat family can’t fit in a picture taken from a reasonable distance, you need to think about your lives.



           There was another miserable, uptight family there, and the mom was bragging to another family about how they only take educational trips in the summer.  The dad looked more than fed up with her, and so did her kids who were dressed in pressed clothing.  There was  another man there tending to his RV.  Have you seen the size of these things?  You have to have a special license to drive a bus, but these things are just as long and you need no special training.  It worries me a bit when I see them driving down the interstates.  The people-watching we did was more amusing than the monument itself.

           After spending thirty minutes gazing into the face of Washington and company, we headed back to town.  My wife wasn’t feeling well, so she had a lie-down at the hotel.  Being the amazing husband I am, I went out and picked us up some dinner.  I was walking down Tourist Town when I happened across a model railroad store.  This was amazing, as I love model trains.  Think what you want, but it’s what my grandpa and I did all the time when I was little.  I talked to the guy who owned it, and he said he got good business from the tourists, but he wishes they would all just piss off.  I couldn’t have agreed more with him.

           The next day we drove over to the Badlands National Park.  I was a bit worried to be going to a place called the ‘Badlands.’  I was right to be worried.  There was a Park Ranger there who warned people to stay on the trails and be careful of rattlesnakes.  South Dakota was the last place I thought I would see rattlesnakes.  The park was alright, it mostly looked like a big open field.  I feel like I could have seen this back in Nebraska.  There were loads of people taking pictures of the grass and dirt.  We did reach a part of the park that looked like a mini Grand Canyon.  It was a bit impressive, but I couldn’t enjoy it with the threat of Rattlesnakes everywhere.

           We went out for a nice lunch before getting on the road to go home. There was a big woman riding a scooter down the sidewalk, rudely pushing people out of the way.  Her scooter was barely scooting and the wheels looked flat, probably because she was so big.  She had a fat kid with her who was eating ice cream.  He was covered in it.  I thought it was a good thing he wasn’t in a scooter, he wasn’t paying attention and probably would have killed someone.

           We packed up the car and headed home.  It was an alright vacation, certainly more entertaining than visiting Kansas.  I would recommend visiting someplace else before making your way up to a useless state like South Dakota.  My wife told me not to judge South Dakota on what little we saw.  I think I’ll take my chances and assume the rest of this state is just as bad; after all, ignorance is bliss.




3 thoughts on “Don’t Visit: South Dakota

  1. “Of course she knew, women always know what they want, but they can’t let men know that. ”

    After slogging painfully through this manure field of cynicism and childish petulance, it’s pretty obvious to me why your wife doesn’t just speak up about her ideas around you. You’re a dull, grouchy kvetch.


    1. Hi there! Thanks for taking the time to read through the article and for your response. You are of course entitled to your opinion. Not everyone appreciates certain types of humor. Hope you have a great day!

      Brittany Twenter
      Editor in Chief


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